I know this person... Actually , I know quite some of this kind...They are like 'poster girls' of pessimism...
For this person,life is never great.
Things are never going well.
She needs a trolley to carry her bottom lip around.
And her back must be killing her from carrying the world on her shoulders.
If she actually wanted to change and do something about her 'problems'... I'd be okay with it, but she seems to delight in her misery.
Her woe-is-me.. ness.
She has an ability to be able to pluck misery out of joy like your mother would pluck that tiny splinter from your hand when you were five.
Such people don't want my help; they just want my attention.
And sympathy.
The life lessons I learnt from these people are :
1. Every day we have the choice of having a great day... irrespective of what happens (or doesn't happen) during that day.A good or bad day is a choice, an attitude.
It's a philosophy and mindset that we take into every situation, circumstance and conversation.
It's no coincidence that some people always seem to have good days.
It ain't luck.
And then there are people who consistently make life harder than it needs to be.
2. There's stuff we can control and stuff we can't.
Don't waste your time and energy on the stuff you can't change or control. (many do).
Waaaay too many people live in (agonise in) the past... what could have, should have, would have happened.. if only... GET OVER IT.
It's done.
Move on.
Stop wasting your time, your gifts and your potential in the NOW.
Stop being held captive to your past.
3. Bitterness, anger, resentment (and all the other negative emotions).. will kill you... one way or the other.
Choose different... even when that negative emotion may be seemingly warranted or reasonable.
So many people live in those negative, destructive, paralysing emotions.
And then one day they wake up only to find they're old, grumpy, lonely, bitter people... looking for someone to be mad at.... for their crappy life.
4. Ask yourself this question.. "Am I the kind of person that people want to be around".. if your answer is no, don't feel sorry for yourself, make a decision to change.
This doesn't mean being obsessed with, or insecure about, what people think of you.
No, it means being more socially aware, less self-indulgent, more realistic, more practical and more solution-oriented.
Be the that person.
By choice.
If you don't wanna be the perpetual pain in the ass, ignored and avoided by the masses... then think different and do different to create different.
Give people a reason to want to hang out with you.
Sympathy... not a good reason.
5. Real happiness is much more about the internal stuff than it will ever be about the external stuff... so stop letting the external stuff dictate your level of joy, happiness and fulfillment. As I've said many times on this site "your world will change, when you change".
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Where is the Creative You?
Remember how much fun you had when you were a kid? Inventing cool stuff. Creating your own games. Being a rock star in front of the mirror. Making up stupid songs with your stupid friends. Killing bad guys (maybe that was just me). Singing, dancing, drawing, painting, writing fantastical stories. Telling awesome lies to get out of stuff (me again). Generally being creative. You didn't need to worry about what your singing voice sounded like, whether or not your dancing looked silly or whether your stories made much sense at all. It didn't matter one bit because it was all about freedom of expression, developing your creative self, hanging out with your friends and of course, having fun. It was mostly about fun. And you had plenty. Because you were creating.
You only learned to worry and be self-conscious about your creative self as you got older. And what a sad day it was when you learned that lesson. As you became more and more self-conscious, you became less and less creative and adventurous. You sang less, danced less, created less and took less chances. Had less fun too. Scared of public places and attention. Creative You went into semi-retirement. Looking out the window every day but rarely coming out to play.
You do remember Creative You don't you? And you do remember when you didn't care what people thought about your ability or talent? It was much easier then wasn't it?
I believe that most of our educational systems actually beat the creative desire out of our kids. By the time they reach their teenage years they have learned that singing, dancing, inventing, painting, drawing and expressing their creativity is less than desirable out in the real world and should take a back seat to all things academic. Not that we all need to be performers or artists (as such), but we do all need to express our creativity because on some level, that's who we are. Without creativity and original thought we simply become boring, unfulfilled clones of each other.
"I'm not sure what I think, what do you think I should think?"
We're so worried about fitting in and not looking foolish that we get scared to let our creative self have a voice. If I didn't let my creative self have a voice this blog wouldn't exist and you wouldn't be reading this article.
You only learned to worry and be self-conscious about your creative self as you got older. And what a sad day it was when you learned that lesson. As you became more and more self-conscious, you became less and less creative and adventurous. You sang less, danced less, created less and took less chances. Had less fun too. Scared of public places and attention. Creative You went into semi-retirement. Looking out the window every day but rarely coming out to play.
You do remember Creative You don't you? And you do remember when you didn't care what people thought about your ability or talent? It was much easier then wasn't it?
I believe that most of our educational systems actually beat the creative desire out of our kids. By the time they reach their teenage years they have learned that singing, dancing, inventing, painting, drawing and expressing their creativity is less than desirable out in the real world and should take a back seat to all things academic. Not that we all need to be performers or artists (as such), but we do all need to express our creativity because on some level, that's who we are. Without creativity and original thought we simply become boring, unfulfilled clones of each other.
"I'm not sure what I think, what do you think I should think?"
We're so worried about fitting in and not looking foolish that we get scared to let our creative self have a voice. If I didn't let my creative self have a voice this blog wouldn't exist and you wouldn't be reading this article.
I don't like you !
I don't like you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It's how we're wired. We hate it when people don't like us - even people we don't really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren't gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That's okay.
That's right - life ain't fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it's more about their issues than anything you have or haven't done. There are people who don't like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That's fine with me. I won't invest emotional energy into things I can't change. I will endeavour to be the best human I can be.
While it's normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it's also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values - to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
If you really want to be liked, then stop trying to be liked and start being you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It's how we're wired. We hate it when people don't like us - even people we don't really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren't gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That's okay.
That's right - life ain't fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it's more about their issues than anything you have or haven't done. There are people who don't like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That's fine with me. I won't invest emotional energy into things I can't change. I will endeavour to be the best human I can be.
While it's normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it's also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values - to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
If you really want to be liked, then stop trying to be liked and start being you.
Monday, February 9, 2009
This is all I care about....
If there's ever a time when it's easy to differentiate between what we humans want and what we actually need, just watch people in the middle of a natural disaster; humanity at it's rawest and perhaps most authentic. All the superficial bullshit disappears. If you want to know what really matters, listen to what comes out of the mouth of a person facing tragedy, devastation and the possibility of imminent death - either their own or someone they love. I'll tell you what they're not worried about; their shoe collection, their laptop, their hair, their make-up, their wallet, their car, how fat their legs are, or what other people might be saying or thinking about them. In an instant they have a completely different mindset and perspective and all of a sudden what is important - truly important - becomes glaringly obvious. Being confronted with one's mortality will do that to you.
People are never more honest, aware, conscious or in the moment than when they are faced with the distinct possibility of dying in the very near future. It's amazing how much clarity, certainty, purpose, ability, strength and even intelligence people can find when they need to. And it's also a great pity that so many of us spend a lifetime not using what we have. What we've always had. I personally believe that on some level, we all know what really matters but we let our greed, selfishness, laziness and our addiction to instant gratification get in the way of what we could and should do.
Let's hope that you and I can always have that same insight, awareness and gratitude without having to go through a devastating experience.
People are never more honest, aware, conscious or in the moment than when they are faced with the distinct possibility of dying in the very near future. It's amazing how much clarity, certainty, purpose, ability, strength and even intelligence people can find when they need to. And it's also a great pity that so many of us spend a lifetime not using what we have. What we've always had. I personally believe that on some level, we all know what really matters but we let our greed, selfishness, laziness and our addiction to instant gratification get in the way of what we could and should do.
Let's hope that you and I can always have that same insight, awareness and gratitude without having to go through a devastating experience.
Friday, February 6, 2009
More , more and more!
Greed (n.) An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs, especially with respect to material wealth, possessions and money.
People love collecting stuff and the more stuff we have, the better. Owning lots of stuff - good. Even more stuff - very good. The most stuff - winner!! Of course we would never say this out loud because that would make us seem somewhat shallow, but our actions give us away.
Some of us have hundreds of pairs of shoes for a body that can only accommodate one pair at a time. And of course we tell ourselves we need them, but we don't need them at all; we want them. We confuse 'want' with 'need' regularly and somewhere along the way, we seem to have made the terms 'success' and 'excess' interchangeable. And if anyone should be brave enough to point our penchant for accumulating stuff that we don't actually need we become defensive and reactive, and then we criticise the observer of our behaviours. Of course we do. Clearly they are jealous of our success.
Have you ever met a truly greedy person who also happens to be happy, balanced and content? I'll take an educated guess that your answer is probably, no. Me either. The truth is that greedy people can't be genuinely happy because greed is synonymous with selfishness, ego, anxiety, fear and insecurity. Their life will always be missing one crucial 'happiness' ingredient; contentment - being happy where you are with what you have. Their greedy reality is a slippery slope because they can never have enough stuff. Sure they can find momentary enjoyment and pleasure from their prized possessions, but that feeling always fades and sooner or later (usually sooner) they will need to move on to the next (bigger, better, more desirable, more prestigious) acquisition in order to keep their 'happiness' alive.
Of course this game is ultimately an unwinnable one. Despite it's obvious popularity and endorsement of the masses, the 'Happiness Through Accumulation' model for life, is not a particularly effective one. At all. Just take a look at our emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially bankrupt society and that should give you an insight into how we're travelling as a group. The notion of achieving some level of inner peace, fulfilment and long-term happiness via the ownership of 'stuff we don't need' is a sad reflection of popular thinking and an indicator of how disconnected we have become from what really matters.
One of the many ironies of our culture is that while we're all seeking the same things - happiness, meaning, love, fulfilment and peace - we also seem to inhabit a group mindset of greed and superficiality. In may ways, it seems that we are 'taught' greed from an early age.
People love collecting stuff and the more stuff we have, the better. Owning lots of stuff - good. Even more stuff - very good. The most stuff - winner!! Of course we would never say this out loud because that would make us seem somewhat shallow, but our actions give us away.
Some of us have hundreds of pairs of shoes for a body that can only accommodate one pair at a time. And of course we tell ourselves we need them, but we don't need them at all; we want them. We confuse 'want' with 'need' regularly and somewhere along the way, we seem to have made the terms 'success' and 'excess' interchangeable. And if anyone should be brave enough to point our penchant for accumulating stuff that we don't actually need we become defensive and reactive, and then we criticise the observer of our behaviours. Of course we do. Clearly they are jealous of our success.
Have you ever met a truly greedy person who also happens to be happy, balanced and content? I'll take an educated guess that your answer is probably, no. Me either. The truth is that greedy people can't be genuinely happy because greed is synonymous with selfishness, ego, anxiety, fear and insecurity. Their life will always be missing one crucial 'happiness' ingredient; contentment - being happy where you are with what you have. Their greedy reality is a slippery slope because they can never have enough stuff. Sure they can find momentary enjoyment and pleasure from their prized possessions, but that feeling always fades and sooner or later (usually sooner) they will need to move on to the next (bigger, better, more desirable, more prestigious) acquisition in order to keep their 'happiness' alive.
Of course this game is ultimately an unwinnable one. Despite it's obvious popularity and endorsement of the masses, the 'Happiness Through Accumulation' model for life, is not a particularly effective one. At all. Just take a look at our emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially bankrupt society and that should give you an insight into how we're travelling as a group. The notion of achieving some level of inner peace, fulfilment and long-term happiness via the ownership of 'stuff we don't need' is a sad reflection of popular thinking and an indicator of how disconnected we have become from what really matters.
One of the many ironies of our culture is that while we're all seeking the same things - happiness, meaning, love, fulfilment and peace - we also seem to inhabit a group mindset of greed and superficiality. In may ways, it seems that we are 'taught' greed from an early age.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Money and You
Like it or loath it, we all have a relationship with money. We don't really have a choice; it's somewhat of a necessity. Unless of course you're a skilled hunter, gatherer, farmer, living entirely off the land in your own hand-built hut, wearing animal skins and residing in some remote, exotic location. Who happens to have Internet access. Of course.
Money means different things to different people. Or different things for the same people at different stages of their journey - stress, anxiety, freedom, choices, arguments, happiness, sadness, motivation, sleepless nights, elation and sadly things like crime, violence
When we really dumb it down and we take the emotion out of it (yes, some of us are very emotional - periodically irrational - about money), it's kinda simple; money is a resource. It's a resource that let's us do stuff. Drive this car, live in that house, wear that dress or suit, fly to that country, enjoy this type of lifestyle; for some, pretty superficial and unimportant stuff, and for others, very significant stuff.
For the majority, money is something to be used in a practical way to live our lives - pay bills, buy food, educate our kids, fix the broken fence and enjoy the annual holiday. While for others, it's their life-force; it's what gets them out of bed each day. It's their obsession. While many see it for what it is (a resource), others make money their god; they worship it and they spend a lifetime being hopelessly enslaved to it. Usually at great personal expense.
What about the notion of being rich without having significant money or assets? Well, that depends on your definition of wealth. In my opinion, some of the wealthiest people don't have much money at all and some of the poorest people are literally millionaires - it's a matter of perception and definition isn't it?
At the other end of the scale we can find the anti-establishment, anti-material possession, anti-money brigade who see money as evil and the pursuit of it analogous to sin. This doesn't seem to be a very practical, realistic or empowering paradigm to inhabit either. There's nothing wrong with money. After all, money can't be good or bad, it's just a bunch of paper that's been assigned a value by us! No, money only becomes bad or destructive when it comes to represent something that it shouldn't.
Now before I get labelled that I'm a hypocrite ,don't misinterpret my thoughts on money. Making money or being wealthy is not of itself, a bad thing. In fact, for the most part I admire people who succeed in business - as long as that success doesn't come at the cost of their values, their health, their relationships, their integrity, their life, or their emotional, psychological and spiritual development. As long as we recognise and use money for what it is and don't bow down before it, we should have a relatively healthy relationship with it. Do I have financial goals? Yep. Are they at the top of my list? Nope. Do I focus on, or obsess about, money? Nope. Have I ever struggled financially? Yep. In fact, for the majority of my adult life I have not earned a lot of money.Of course it's an issue and a challenge from time to time, but it's not why I do what I do. If I was all about money, I wouldn't be writing this article - I'd be doing something that I get paid for. I've been driven by a desire to do whatever I do with excellence, to have fun and to impact the lives of others in a positive way - I see my (moderate) financial success as a by-product of that pursuit.
People often suggest that "money is the root of all evil", which is actually a misquote of a scripture from the New Testament which says, "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil". See, even two thousand years ago they were talking about this stuff!
Didn't know I could be theological did you? Me either!
Money means different things to different people. Or different things for the same people at different stages of their journey - stress, anxiety, freedom, choices, arguments, happiness, sadness, motivation, sleepless nights, elation and sadly things like crime, violence
When we really dumb it down and we take the emotion out of it (yes, some of us are very emotional - periodically irrational - about money), it's kinda simple; money is a resource. It's a resource that let's us do stuff. Drive this car, live in that house, wear that dress or suit, fly to that country, enjoy this type of lifestyle; for some, pretty superficial and unimportant stuff, and for others, very significant stuff.
For the majority, money is something to be used in a practical way to live our lives - pay bills, buy food, educate our kids, fix the broken fence and enjoy the annual holiday. While for others, it's their life-force; it's what gets them out of bed each day. It's their obsession. While many see it for what it is (a resource), others make money their god; they worship it and they spend a lifetime being hopelessly enslaved to it. Usually at great personal expense.
What about the notion of being rich without having significant money or assets? Well, that depends on your definition of wealth. In my opinion, some of the wealthiest people don't have much money at all and some of the poorest people are literally millionaires - it's a matter of perception and definition isn't it?
At the other end of the scale we can find the anti-establishment, anti-material possession, anti-money brigade who see money as evil and the pursuit of it analogous to sin. This doesn't seem to be a very practical, realistic or empowering paradigm to inhabit either. There's nothing wrong with money. After all, money can't be good or bad, it's just a bunch of paper that's been assigned a value by us! No, money only becomes bad or destructive when it comes to represent something that it shouldn't.
Now before I get labelled that I'm a hypocrite ,don't misinterpret my thoughts on money. Making money or being wealthy is not of itself, a bad thing. In fact, for the most part I admire people who succeed in business - as long as that success doesn't come at the cost of their values, their health, their relationships, their integrity, their life, or their emotional, psychological and spiritual development. As long as we recognise and use money for what it is and don't bow down before it, we should have a relatively healthy relationship with it. Do I have financial goals? Yep. Are they at the top of my list? Nope. Do I focus on, or obsess about, money? Nope. Have I ever struggled financially? Yep. In fact, for the majority of my adult life I have not earned a lot of money.Of course it's an issue and a challenge from time to time, but it's not why I do what I do. If I was all about money, I wouldn't be writing this article - I'd be doing something that I get paid for. I've been driven by a desire to do whatever I do with excellence, to have fun and to impact the lives of others in a positive way - I see my (moderate) financial success as a by-product of that pursuit.
People often suggest that "money is the root of all evil", which is actually a misquote of a scripture from the New Testament which says, "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil". See, even two thousand years ago they were talking about this stuff!
Didn't know I could be theological did you? Me either!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
